"i have this addiction, and it's a bad addiction. i tend to play solitare. well, i know it doesn't sound that bad, but when i start, i can do it for hours. one night, or one morning i found myself with blood-shot eyes staring into the computerscreen. i had been there the entire night without realising. i had to go home, not because i was so tired, but because my wrist were all stiff and painful. i think i can treat my self to one game while i am having a break, and i find my self hours later telling my self that after 'just one more game' i will stop procrastinate and do something worthwile. and then ofcourse, hours later, after that i end up having to go home coz my eyes r too sore and my wrist is too painful. i remember the time before i got a computer, i didn't have that problem. but then, i got this new boyfriend, and he introduced me to it. or, he didn't introduce me as such, but he ahd a computer, and one day, while sitting in his room alone, being slightly bored, i found the Solitare! after we moved in together, i could sit for hours in front of the computer playing these games. thinking about the relationship today, i reckon i was just as attracted to the computer than i was to him - maybe even more so...

there was always a game to be played

we would fight a lot. and there was always games being played. sometimes both knew about them, sometimes no one knew about them, sometimes games were played which we did not know anything about. there would be this guy at work - my golden guy. but of course, i never told my guy-at-home about him. we would meet, and i would tell him that i was out having coffee with friends. and in one instance it was true, he was a friend - and so much more. he would take me out in city, and we would walk around for ages, talking about things that mattered, though they don't matter now. we would talk about where we wanted to end up when we grew older, and i know i never did. we would spend lazy days laying in bed, being close. one may call it unfaithfullness, i called it fun. and then, i would go home, and play games with my boyfriend. i was 20 years - life was good.

being carefree and young. sitting at the bus stop, talking to my friend. she just came back from Amsterdam. 'so guess what' i told her, 'i got a boyfriend'. she beamed back at me, and told me that she herself had fallen in love. 'how cool, i replied, ' you have to tell me everything about him'. she looked down, and then up at me again, 'it's not a him, it's a her'. we sat there side by side for a few minutes, then we stood up and went to the nearest pub where she told me everything about her. brilliant night.

one was so youg one time. a time before i spent my life speaking english. this british guy took me to amsterdam for the weekend. it was splendid. april in amsterdam. i was strutting around in short skirts and high boots, being pampered by my man, and feeling all european and grown up. somewhere in the back of my mind i knew there might be repayment in kind, but i was hardly 21, i didn't care, and the sun was shining. one morning, i would laze in bed, watching MTV, having coffee, he came out from the bathroom, looked at me, and called me a fruitcake. i looked back at him, thought briefly, and thanked him. in my world, fruitcake was a good thing. it was later i realised it's not."