once upon a time, there was this little princess who lived in a castle, far, far away...

I ran into an old friend of mine the other day. Well, to call him friend may be to be a little too optimistic, but we did know eachother once, and at one point I tot I liked him more. Anyway, drinks had been taken, and reason and cautiousnes had gone home to bed for a long time ago, so things were said, and kisses given freely away. So, I wake up the next day and feel - nothing! Which is weird. This is a guy I have almost obsessed over the past year, and suddenly - nothing. I guess sometimes one fall in love with a dream which has no root in reality. I hardly knew this guy, but somehow I managed to like him... based on how I wanted him to be, not based on how he was. I guess it was good that I didn't run into him any sooner, as running into him shattered my illusion about who he was and how I felt for him. Maybe would it have been better if i had run into him sooner, but i was sort of happy in my illusion, and so was him I guess.

It's 35 degrees today, and it's too hot to do anything. All one can do is find somewhere with air-con, and wait for the sun to set. I am drinking water as my life depends on it, as it sort of do, and munching fruit and dream of snow and ice (ok, maybe not, but at least I dream of water, and ice in my drinks...).

ok, it has been a while now since my last blog. Not much have happened since last tho... slept a lot, and i do mean a lot. My mum just called me and told me that her and a friend will visit me next year, which is really kewl. I am so looking forward to it. Ok, I realise that it sounds a bit sloppy and it doesn't do much for my street cred, but so, it's my mum!!

I have promised my self one thing, and that is that I will never appologise here on this blog about not having blogged for a while. If I haven't blogged in some time, I will not start my blog with telling avaryone that i am sorry that i haven't, but that i am back now. I won't do it simply bc i won't make the assumption that my blog is the most interesting thing out there, and ppl were being upset when i didn't blog. I do believe that ppl have far more interesting things to do and concern themselves with rather than hanging on to every word i blog. With that said, I have to say that it does not mean i don't appreciate ppl coming to my blog and enjoying what i am blogging - not at all. I am quite flattered by all the nice attention my blog has got, i just don't think i should assume i am that interesting, which means i shouldn't appologise if i haven't blogged for a while. Does that make sense? Am i just being rude?

it's 7am, and i have spent a long night at uni... am so tired, and not really sure if anything i do now is either intelligent or coherent. Am trying to finish a report of the advertising industry in China, but even tho i know how to do it, i find it hard to come up with any good analysis.

On my way to uni today, I suddenly remembered this guy I once went to school with. We were 17, going on 18, and I thought I was in love with him. Sort of in love, I liked the notion of liking someone, and he was sweet. Nothing ever happened tho... Years later I ran into him at a new years party, and as alkohol and years of forgetfullness often do, secrets got shared and laughed of. So I told him. And he told me that he was in love with me at the same time. Two hours, and a bottle of red wine later, we still hadn't figured out why nothing ever happened, and who was to blame. But we were happy. We laughed a lot. We shaked our head of how young we were, and how naiv. Nothing did happen then either.

But, on the bus today, I suddenly got overwhelmed with this feeling of loss. And sadness. And while watching the buildings move past, and all the people on the streets, I realised I was annoyed for having missed a time with him. Missed out on sharing a time with him. A time when we still were young enough so nothing mattered much, but old enough to care.

I don't know why I came to think of him. I haven't thought about him for years. I haven't seen him for years. I wonder where he is, what he is doing. I normally don't, but now I do.

I came to think about this boy i knew once. He loved too much, and he loved too little. He had this image of the perfect love, but somehow it seemed he couldn't find it. In the end, he settled down with a girl, without loving her, without wanting her. He thought that if he just waited long enough, his true love would come, but she hasn't so far. I knew him a long time ago, I don't know him anymore. But I do know he is still waiting for her. And I do know he is still with that other girl. How ironic. The pure act of being with the wrong girl disables him to find the right one. I think he has somehow quitted believing she will come for him. I think he is content being with the wrong girl, because the right one won't come along. But he still dreams for her. I wanted to tell him to end it, to set himself free, to set her free. To not keep them both locked up in something that is not right for them both. How sad. She loves him truly. And I think she hopes that in the end, he will love her too. If only she stays with him long enough. I don't think so. I think in the end, they will both make each other miserable.

I hate my life! That is pretty much the only thing u can hear me mutter under my breath if u listen real carefully. That's pretty much the only thing u can hear anyone here mutter under their breath if u care to listen. I think it's generally agreed on, that at the moment we all hate our life, or the lack of life, and there's no use being young and careless when u r locked up inside the library every day - and night, come to think of it. How backwards isn't the world? The more one has to do, the more time one spend procrastinating, complainting over a coffe/beer about how much one has to do, and how little time one has to do it on, which seem to work fine untill the rather bleak day comes along, where one realises that one has wasted away too much time complainting about it, and one really, really, really, really, really, need to get one's shit together and do it... That day usually comes along about a day after the due date...

In five weeks time the semester will end, and once again will i be able to enjoy my youth, and do what i do best - nothing. In seven weeks time, I will be hopping and skipping around in Thailand, not thinking about my Master degree or any assignments... My biggest worry will be how to get all the sand out of my sheets at bedtime, and didn't I put my dive-mask down somewhere around here...?

You shall be faithful

You shall be faithful,

But not to any human

Which in cold greediness

Hangs on to your hands

Not to any ideal

Which swell in large letters

Without touching your heart

Not to any commandment

Which makes you a foreigner

Inside your own flesh

Not to any dream

You did not dream yourself

When were you faithful?

Were you faithful

When u knelt in the shadow

Of others icons of false gods?

Were you faithful

When your actions drowned

The sound of your own heartbeats?

Were you faithful

when you weren’t unfaithful

To the one you did not love?

Were you faithful

When your cowardice disguised itself

And called itself conscience?

But when what touches you

Made music

When your own pulse

Gave rhythm to action

When you were one

With what trembles inside you

Then you were faithful!

Translated from a Norwegian poem called "Du skal vaere tro" by Andre Bjerke

The whole notion with the Matrix thought the other day made me think about this discussion I had in my ethics class. My tutor asked us if we would sleep with someone for one million dollars. The situation being that you were newlywed with the "one" in your life, which you loved more than anything in the world. Her view was that if you truly loved someone, you would never sleep with anyone else, no matter how much money was involved. What really suprised me was that out of 30 ppl in the class, 28 agreed with her... Ok, how much can you actually deceive yourself?? Just think about it. Of course, given the question when there is no chance whatsoever that it will ever happen for real, it is too easy to become all morale and decent and say 'of course not, you would never have done it'. But, if you did find you self in such as situation, with the money there in front of you, are dare you to tell me you wouldn't have done it.

The thing is, how many out there haven't at least one ended up in bed with someone they later on rather would have liked to erase from their memory whatsoever? So, there's no question about it, most of us have been giving it away for free at least once to someone we didn't love. Ok, so there is the aspect of receiving money for it, which may make us feel as prostitutes. Yes, that's true. But, on the other hand, one million dollars is a lot of money. 200 dollars may make you feel like a prosititute, but one million dollars would be plain stupd to refuse. One shag, and you and your loved one can be debt-free for the rest of your life! A house, a car, your kids education, everything solved... So, tell me, wouldn't you have done it? I reckon that if your loved one did not want you to do it, then you really do deserve to struggle for the rest of your life. One shag is nothing, but being financial secure for the rest of your life is something.

You have ten thousands birds, ten thousands birds given by me. Ten thousands thoughts in your mind, ten thousands thoughts thought by me.

'I am going to keep this wire, just in case I need to poke someone in the eye, or wire a floppy Gerbera' Dr. Chris Pokarier

As I have always said, my lecturer is a well full of wisdom... You never know when you have to wire a floppy Gerbera, so kids, do keep those wires close at hand!

What's the deal with music taste? I just noticed that everytime people are trying to get to know someone new, or they have to resort to idle smalltalk, or generally need to fill silent time, ppl tend to ask others what kind of music they like... I always tot this rather strange, as this is the question most ppl seem to ask me when they want to get to know me... Somehow I don't define myself from the music i listen to, or not listen to. Music has been such a big thing in our society, so ppl tend to define others from the music they associate themselves with. Sometimes i tell ppl i listen to music i don't listen to at all, just to see how they change they perception of me. Sometimes I tell ppl i don't listen to music at all... that unsettles most. What kind of music do you like?

Just got an invitation for dinner. Which is nice, since way too few ppl are cooking me dinner. By the way, I do tend to get invited to dinner, but somehow I end up cooking them dinner then (Beate, if u r reading, u know who I am talking about...

). But, M promised me that I wouldn't have to cook (note: he has never made me cook before). So, happy now. More ppl should definitely cook me dinner! If anyone out there feel the urge to cook me dinner, feel free to do so...

I was sitting on the bus this morning, when this guy crosses the road, wearing a t-shirt with the print 'take the red pill'. So, I started to think about it. How does it go... 'You take the blue pill, the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes....' Well, I reckon everyone would have wanted to take the red pill. Coz, that statement is a challenge. Do you dare to see reality and the truth, or do you want to stay in your little false comfy world? I guess few of us would actually have had the courage to admit that 'yes, we wanna stay in our small little comfy world', coz it's easy, and it's... yeah, excactly, comfy...

So, the morale here, or the daring and strong thing here, is to take that red pill. But be honest, the most sensitive thing is to take the blue pill... Stay where you are. Again, given the question, I guess most people would have said they would have taken the red pill. Come on, of course, coz Neo looked so tough and cool in that movie, and he gets the girl, and he gets to save the world - wouldn't everyone want that? So, theoretically, we all would have taken the red pill. But, say, you really ended up in that situation... Someone had almost gotten you killed at work, abducted you, and even tho they are wearing really cool clothes and sunnies, would you have trusted them? NO! Ok, I know I am rambling here. But be patient with me, I do have a point.

So, given that it was real life, you would probably have thought that they were some high-class junkies, which wouldn't really have persuaded you to take some mysterious pill, neither of them (even tho I do know there are some ppl out there which would've loved to be offered some mysterious pills from some high-class junkies, and would probably have taken both...). On the other hand, let's say that you knew what would happen (take away the 'get the girl' part and the 'get to save the world' part), wouldn't it be pretty stupid to take the red pill?? And how come so many ppl tell you that they would definitely have taken the red pill when they in this life too many times hide from the truth, and take the easy and comfy way out??

What would I have done? Well, I like the challenge. I would probably have taken the red pill just for the hell of it, or to prove to the cool guy in the cool leather clothes and the cool sunnies that I am as cool as he is... BUT, all my senses tell me that I should take the blue pill. As they say, why fix it when it's not broken?? And, if we live in a matrix, what's the security for the red pill not just transfering you to another matrix... a bleaker one, but still a matrix? Even tho it do have Keanu Reeves in it, which is good!

Today, the sky is grey and sad. It's raining outside. Everyone wears an umbrella. I don't have an umbrella. Then, I will become wet. I don't like being wet. Wet and sad and cold. Ducks like to be wet. Wet and happy and cute. I like ducks...

Just ran into one of my lectures in the hallway, which was good, coz i had some questions to ask him about my assignment. The first thing he asks me is whether I want an extension on my assignment. Well, I shall be the first to admit that the thought of asking him that had crossed my mind, as I have been so busy lately. But, as I reasoned, just being busy isn't really an excuse to get an extension, as I could have started on everything earlier (so easy to say, but oh soo hard to do...). So, I hesitated and told him that no, that wasn't what I wanted to ask him tho... He was obviously in a hurry, so i told him i could pop by his office later. But, when he ran off, he tells me that if I wanted an extension, I could have one... My, my, I wasn't going to ask for one, but if he offers one, I won't be the one to refuse. No, that would just be plain stupid! How strange something sometimes work out for one, without one having to do anything... Happy now!

My assignment is due tomorrow, and I still have trouble getting my shit together and do what I am supposed to do with it. Argh... I hate this, I knwo what I want to do, and I have evrything I need to do it, but I totally lack the motivation!! Motivation is something that went on holiday when I wasn't looking... One day I just woke up and realized it had packed its bag, retrived its sunnies, and not left any forward address. On the other hand, the possibility is that it never came back to uni with me after last holiday, which means that it's probably lazying around on Koh Pha Ngan, having a ball, not bothering to think about me at all...

GET BACK HERE NOW!!

I run the streets at night...

Windy and dark nights

I am hunting the streets

Never alone – never in company

The stars look down upon me

Twinkling in the same rhythm as my heart

I cause no harm to anyone

But my self

©moonwha

tired

fed up!!

runaway child

"Will you run?"

I always asked you that question. Every time you came I would ask you that question. But, you never answered me, you only stared past me into some terrifying future I could not see. You would brace yourself, as the world was a cold place, and I always wanted to reach out and touch you, to hold you, to warm you...

I used to wait for you. To wait for the sound of your footstep. One time you brought someone with you, and I felt I breathed easier. But, I still asked you. You didn't look at me. You hardly glanced over in my direction, and I knew you were ashamed of me. You laughed, I had never seen you laugh before.

But, all the other times you came alone. Just for me to look at, for me to keep you company. Sometimes you would talk to me, in a low urgent voice. You would tell me about your life, and your thoughts, and I would feel special, special and scared. You were so hurt, you didn't see the world as I saw it. As a reflection of you. How many times didn't I wish I could say something, something to make the pain in your eyes go away?

And then, then came the time when you didn't return. I waited and waited, but I never saw you again. The reflection of you became a distant memory. And I will wait here for someone else to come find me.

"Did you run?"

©moonwha

*sigh* another day and night at uni... Do I do anything else besides sitting here wishing I was somewhere else?? Was really inspired and motivated when i came, and was actually contemplating a loong night here without any real regrets on that part. But, that changed suddenly when i friend of mine showed up, asking me why i was here, and if i should come out to play tonight... Suddenly academic results seemed so petty, and my head filled up with thought about life being more than good grades and a good job. I shouldn't be here, wasting my life away, I should be out there, playing with my friends and live life firsthand... But, on the other hand, I know that's only a clever and good-sounding excuse for me to go home now and go out and play. I guess the ones who knows me know that I am not the one that wastes my life away at a conputerlab at uni. So, there isn't really any excuse for me to put my uniwork on hold and do something else instead... whish it was tho...

Another thing that has occupied my mind lately is related to online chatting (sad but true). I know i might overreact here, but it really starts to annoy me. I sometimes chat in on a site from my country of origin, and somehow, most guys can't seem to understand the idea of moving away for good. They always ask me when I am coming back, and where I live when I am home. Why can't I get them to understand that I am home, home is where I am now, home will always be where ever I am, and that I won't return? Is it so foreign for people that someone may decide to leave their home country, and not for any reasons such as war, poverty, or political instability, but only for the reason that they want to live somewhere else, experience something else? I come from a developing country, and I still mean that it ranks as one of the better places in the world to live (might be my patrionism speaking here - but it was rated the best country to live in two years in a row by UN), so I didn't leave for any lack of fondness to my country. But, maybe beacuse of that, I find so many of my countrymen so narrowminded... And, when I can't tell them when I will return 'home' (can't or won't), they get angry... Is it so hard to understand that others desire other things?

And don't even talk to me about horny guys wanting to engage in netsex... *sigh* Maybe it's time to just stop chatting on the net at all..?

I am going to take my divemaster this year in my holiday. I was thinking of doing it in Thailand, because the season matches with my holiday there, as well as it's one of the better places to dive. But, lately I have started to doubt the destination. I have been to Thailand so many times before, so I thought maybe I should try out another place, but then on the other hand, the only place I haven't been in Asia is more or less China... and December in China doesn't really sound much dive-friendly. On the other hand, I have been in Thailand so many times, and I still haven't been able to ride an elephant. I have petted one, but it's still not the same... So, if not for any other reason, maybe I should go there just to ride an elephant, or drive an elephant (anything as big as an elephant should be described as 'driving').

I am very fond of travelling, as the ones who knows me are aware of. As soon as I get some time off, you can most of the time find me on a plane somewhere. A lot of times it's not the destination that is important, but the act of getting out there. To go somewhere new, see somewhere new, meet someone new... I always wanted to travel in all the countries in the world (the conservative islamic countries excepted - no offense to any muslims out there, it's just harder to travel in those countries as a single woman). I once was told there is about 280 countries in the world, which means I have so far covered about 10%. But, I am not disencouraged by this fact, only more excited, since it means there are so much more out there for me to explore, to see, to discover...

so, friday night again... and here i am, still in front of the computer. It's a sad life - or lack thereof... The theme of this week has definitely been "projects that will not end." I have approximately fourteen million Very Important Things to do and they are all, every one of them, clinging to me like stubborn children, refusing to get their damn lazy butts off of my task list and go out into the world and make something of themselves...

Last nite i attended a function with my faculty. It was quite fun as it included free food and booze. Were hanging around with other students and drinking too much beers. But, suprisingly enough, the students weren't the ones who overdid the free booze, the company delegates took care of that. Became quite suprised (and not n a particular good way) when a rather drunk guy from an image concultancy tried to kiss me, after exchanging three words with me. Escaped into the library and hid behind the shelves. What did he think? Or not think...?

She flicked the cigarette butt away.

But, rather than fly through the air in a long and graceful arc it fell limply to the ground. She looked at it groggily, trying hard to remember something she knew to be important, but was just beyond her grasp.

Oh yeah, she had to go home, that’s what she was doing. She looked around, momentarily disoriented, and then she recognised her surroundings. Or, at least the thought she recognised her surroundings. It could be, she acknowledged to herself, that she was somewhere total foreign, and just thought that she knew where she was.

She squinted around and shaking her head in order to clear her thoughts. Well, she definitely recognised that building over there. But, that didn’t mean that it couldn’t be a different building… But, she reasoned, if everything here was exactly the same as where she thought she was, then the surroundings of where she was should also be the same as the surroundings to where she should be, which meant that down that road home should be.

She smiled, pleased with herself for that reasoning.

Ok, now that she knew where she thought she was, next thing on the agenda was to get moving.

There had always been an art to walking on her way home from the pub. She knew all the steps involved in walking, considering that she’d done it perfectly every day for the past 24 years, but somehow doing it early in the morning on Fridays was always a bit harder. Well, to be honest it was a bit harder an increasingly amounts of Saturday’s and Monday’s nights as well. She fell into a fit of laughter… Maybe she had forgotten how to do it? Slowly it would be more and more difficult, until the day she had to stay at the pub all the time…?

In the distance she could hear a car-door slam. God, she loved being out at night!

She reached down to her bag for cigarettes, and for a brief moment felt a stab of panic when she couldn’t locate her bag. Had she lost it again? Groaning low, she turned around, intent of returning to the pub to find it again; she was rather fond of that bag, when she felt a light tug around her neck.

Looking down confused, she stared directly into her hand bag dangling around her neck. She smiled to it, and after a short struggle, which seemed to include a lot more arms than her own two, she managed to remove the bag from her neck, fish up a fag, and light it.

Happy with herself for recovering her lost bag and finding her fags she went back to the task of walking.